July came and went. How is it that more than half a year has already passed? It certainly wasn’t a boring one that’s for damn sure…
Waking up to new music/album announcements from one of your favorite bands
Warming your cold, bare feet on toasty, sunlit concrete
When a flurry of art is sent your way because seeing it reminded Him of You.
Tam Dao scented 1930’s courtship under a tangerine quarter moon ~ I forget how utterly delicious it is to compose and send letters, even more when I know how eager the intended hands are to hold them. November cannot come soon enough to meet that sea with my earth.
The early jump on Halloween loot and finding the perfect spiderweb print bakeware.
The world may be falling apart in many ways but others are celebrating and finding excitement in things like the Webb Telescope images being released by NASA
The biggest full moon of the year
Chipping away at the list of those very big things.
Nostalgia fueled conversations founded in honesty.
Missing you. I fucking hate that I miss my friend that is no more and it sucks because it takes everything in me to not just call him up, or eviscerate him with my words and brown eyed vulnerability or tell him about all the times I have thought of us, how we would just fucking love to share [insert everything here]. Friendship loss is just as, if not as monumental as losing a partner and I cannot help but think about what we had often. I hate that this is where we are now but deep down in there I knew he was always going to be a blue eyed, walking heartbreak. It happened twice and I’m not in the business of third time’s the charm, no matter how much vacancy was left behind.
I have been working through some anger as of late. It really isn’t anger as much as it’s a shield for disappointment. It is so hard to stay hopeful when the world is overcome with this plague of abject selfishness. The amount of mental notes I have made as of late... scribbles…. “holy shit do not act like that, EVER”. And it’s wild to me just how easily people just unhinge their jaw in an effort to squash the small joys that others want or try to have. “Do they not hear themselves? jfc… it really isn’t that hard to keep scrolling”…
Long anticipated and beyond overdue reunions filled with airport tears. If you ever want to feel a bit of humanity, stand in baggage claim one day and watch people reconnect with their most cherished. Seeing Bee is a breath of fresh air.
Rekindling love with my creative muse, even if it’s a slow churning round of foreplay that I am getting heavily impatient for.. let’s get to that deep, clawing, unabashed fuck already.
How gold leaf now reminds us of one another.
Healthy love and care can only exist in places when you trust someone enough to travel down their own path, for the right reasons, for their growth – even if you cannot be a part of it. I hate those kinds of parting of ways and while it wasn’t a goodbye, it was an uncomfortable and sad moment that broke me inside a little. The silver lining there is the beauty in that discomfort because it’s pleading and gnawing at me to ask myself bigger questions about what I want, need and most of all? Deserve. This is a lot of unexplored territory for me.
A necessary weekend getaway to Rosarito which brings me to…
After 2.5 years of pandemic frogger, the child and I finally got the alligator log on the tail end of the month. Covid is a mind fuck, I can tell you that and when you’re dealing with a lot variables and uncertainty? Fuck. I ended up getting put on the antiviral treatment which pissed my delicate system off and my mouth felt and tasted like I had been sucking Tin Man dick.. for 5 days. It was awful. I have been in a serious pocket of feels with this one because nothing like having a ton of time to think (and overthink). I enjoy being alone, I enjoy my solitude immensely but there are fleeting moments where I do wish I wasn’t doing everything by myself and never is it more visible than when I am sick. And lord was I in it for a couple days there. A pocket of pain, nausea, fear and melancholy because sometimes, you just want someone else to take care of you for a change. True, selfless care. Not the kind of care that has emotional leverage attached to it. And when you are so used to doing everything? And not just for yourself? Asks are very hard to come by for me. Yet, somehow I have to force and allow myself to accept it because the amount of care and outpour I have received while recovering continues to be a testament to the circles and connections I have forged. It’s like opening the window and letting the light in even though you want shade. Holy shit is it uncomfortable. Nothing likes endless messages, bags of care, popsicles and my favorite mochi donuts just showing up on my doorstep to unravel a girl into a waterfall of tears. The timing of this contagion couldn’t have come at the worst time due to pending travel to see my family and my sister being here. There never really is a good time but this was most definitely Not. It. I want to hope that things will play out as they’re meant to and if not? Well, I can only do what I can, with what I have within my capacity. We can’t always get what we want all the time.
May the pink lines be singular soon.
